I think my transference issue, has reached a point to where it's getting to become unhealthy. It has been for a very long time. I'm just now becoming aware of it. I don't really know what to do or say about it anymore to my therapist. She isn't leaving, but I'm always freaked that she will. And she is in my thoughts, more than I think is normal... Even for someone in therapy. Even for someone with transference. I'm just gonna explain my transference, and just tell me if I'm too attached to her. And maybe what to do??? Like I don't know if I can leave. It's 5 years. I don't think I can leave her willingly. I don't even know what I'm asking anymore but this is driving me insane!!! I want insight or something. I don't know what to do or say even to her at sessions to fix this. Or if I should. It's so much to think about and so confusing. It's not just one thing it's like, every aspect of my life is somehow connected to it.

It's affecting my dreams as well. I could on and on about the dreams I have about her dying in some accident, her family keeps me from seeing her, and The dream ends with me heartbroken and unable to move on. Or, the other theme being me trying to get to one of her appointments. Like, I keep getting stuck in traffic, they get cancelled, I have to run through the woods for miles or I speed through red lights, etc. trying to get to her appointment. And I'm panicked in the dream. Because I'm running late and that means less time to see her. And I keep ****ing up by blowing red lights. Or then the car breaks down and I end up having to run through rain. Etc. and when I do get there, and what toke EXTREME effort to get there, she is with another client... And I feel heartbroken again and I wake up. And the one dream, where she treated me like a her daughter, but then we did sexual things.

Here are a few things my T has said or done. Most has happened fairly recently. Like, none of its bad or has ever crossed the line, EVER, but I'm wondering the meaning behind it... Or if I'm just blowing things out of proportion and this is normal with every client a therapist has. Like it's not just me. I can't tell if she actually likes me or if it's just, what they all say kind of thing... Seriously I can't trust my own judgement anymore! That's why I'm asking! Regardless, all of this, has been feeding my transference to help it grow into something, very massive...and scary.

- the very first I was crying ever with her (2011), my T got out of her chair and put her hand on my knee and looked down at me like she was actually going to cry as well and asked what was wrong. And wouldn't move her hand until I answered her.
- she said, when I told her I lied about something I lied about, that she said that meant so much to her that I told her the truth.
- randomly asked if she would come to my wedding (jokingly) and said she would be glad to.
- she said at some point, well maybe a few times, that if I died, she would be heart broken. And the other time said if I died she thought she might not be able to get over it.
- she brought up things, like TV shows, that I might like that she saw or, she said she heard of this book and immediately thought of me. Which struck to me as odd because why would she be thinking of me???
- despite her deep caring for me, I don't know a whole lot about her.. But she has told me certain things about herself that were, useful to my therapy and also meant a lot to me. They were SORT OF deep in an indirect way.. She wasn't specific.
- I asked, if she could hug me. She said yes and that it's perfectly normal. (May 2015) And she did. It was short but genuine.
- after that first hug, she hugs me after every the end of every appointment. And the hugs are getting "stronger" idk. Like, less of a testing the waters kind of thing.. Sometimes she won't let go and back away until I return eye contact.. She never said anything about it though, it's literally like unspoken language sometimes with her wtf?!
- she had said to me, many times, and has made a point to let me know that I am more than "just a client in an appointment book" and that her caring for me has NOTHING to do with the money she gets.
- she has mentioned that i am "one of her favorite" clients and that she cares a whole lot about me.
- she says I can call her whenever I need to, and she'd get back to me ASAP, but I never have in the 5 years I've seen her. (I probably should of a few times now that I look back.. Some emergencies could of been prevented)
- another time, much more recently (June 2015) I cried for the maybe the SECOND or THIRD time ever with her the five years I've been with her, after discussing with her about going to college. And with that, possibly leaving to go somewhere. I brought up college on purpose to talk about that subject.. She said she'd always be there, even if I went away, I could see her during vacations because she will be expecting a visit. If that's what I wanted (obviously is). And then she started talking about something else I forget what, and I started to think about leaving and I was getting more and more upset to the point where I was responding to her anymore. I was shutting down because I didn't want to cry, but then I kinda did. Because if I did, maybe she would come over and hug me or hold my hand or something... This kind of "silent game" thing went on for 10 minutes. Then, she said, "I'm mentioning this to all clients" I literally thought that she was gonna tell me she had cancer or was going to die (not even kidding! First thing to come to mind) but she said "I'm going to Africa for a vacation for 5 weeks, and I won't be here..." As soon as she said that, I started crying and crying. She came over and say in the other chair next to me and said give me your hand. And I didn't at first until she said it again. Then I did. She said is it because I'm leaving. I lied and said no. Held my hand for 10 minutes and ran her thumb on the top of my hand a few times. I didn't grip her back because I was like, fear stricken. I didn't give her eye contact either. Eventually said something or another. She didn't actually ask "what was wrong" since I wouldn't tell her the truth. Eventually she let me check myself in the mirror, which was between us. She told me she isn't going anywhere, as a promise. And then the appointment ended and we hugged.
Best therapy moment ever.

Do you think she likes me? And genuinely cares?

This is all I've been thinking about, now that I come to think of it, for years. And now I know, it's because I've been severely deprived of motherly love, as a child. I never trusted men, so I wanted my mom. My mother, wasn't "abusive" more distant... She was cold I guess. Sometimes emotionally.. She never said "I love you" or hugged me or anything. And part of it was my fault. I was abused by my friends stepdad because we were neighbors and it was convenient to go other their. My mom didn't want me around because I was so ****ing clingy. It was my fault it happened. The abuse and why she pushed away. I was clingy. And I was too stupid to not say anything about the abuse. If I wasn't clingy I wouldn't have had to go over there. She doesn't know I was abused. Hopefully not. I would kill myself if she knew. That's the one thing that would make me do that, other than my T telling me she hates me and never wants to see me again. Also, I'm very envious if perfect little girls who have perfect, loving mothers. It makes me ****ing SICK that I couldn't HAVE THAT. I tried to be them. I tried to be straight and popular and bubbly. Normal, but it was so hard. They had their sit together and everything going for them at school. When they went to prom I was at home cutting my arms.

I wanted it so badly, but I'm 18 now and it's too late. And their 18 now. They got the love and the perfect mother who would hold them. And make them feel like they were the best thing in the world. And now, they can move on. And marry a perfect man and have perfect children, to nurture themselves. Well not me. I'm stuck right here. I'm stuck at about age 5. Because I can't move on. I didn't get that love and I'm trying SO HARD to seek through other older women, who I admire as well together, and strong. They're like heroines. I literally see them as that. And every time,I just push them away because I smother them. I CLING, and it's obsessive and annoying. Who wouldn't run away... That's why I'm so careful with my therapist. I haven't managed to **** it up yet but I will. If I keep trying to push the envelop I WILL MESS UP. I should of NEVER asked for the hugs. It's too late now. I got it once I'm not giving it up. And I should of NEVER EVER manipulated her into holding my hand by crying. That was ****ing wrong. She probably didn't want to. God I don't know what to do. This **** makes me suicidal. This is so difficult and it's never going to go away. I'm stuck here forever. I can't move forward. I don't know what to do. I just want a mom and want the affection I never got. I want me my T to love me but it never, will happen.

I'm so sorry if you ripped your eye balls out of your sockets trying to read this.