It seems as though every time I sleep, I have a really bad dream. Dreams where I'm getting robbed, beaten up, cheated, humiliated, and even worse. I don't know what has happened to me recently? I wasn't this way a year ago, I had really pleasant, trippy dreams back then. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night scared, with a feeling of dread, like I am really afraid of death, wishing I wasn't a living organism, but a robot of some kind that. Yet I feel like deep, deep inside, I love living, I love life, life is good when it's good. I remember that feeling of being happy, It's worth living for.

All I can think of is that bad health (I'm recovered now) and failing to take good care of myself because of how numb and depressed I am have affected my appearance negatively and people that knew me from before have told me how good I used to be in the past, and the people that are only getting to know me look at me with pity, like I'm an ugly joke, and they feel sorry for me.

I was showered with praise and adored for no reason other than I was good looking, I hated it as a kid, I felt like people were shallow, and didn't take their time trying to get to know me and understand me. Suddenly, like 6 or 7 years later, I'm now an object of ridicule, and pity. I just don't like people, at least the people I was surrounded with, they made me hate myself for looking good, and now they make me feel like I'm some kind of object to feel sorry and pity for.

I realize that my depression is distorting reality and that I'm the one actually giving power to the people around me by letting their opinions affect me, but.................. I realize how awful numbness caused by depression can be, you end up regretting not taking better care of yourself, and it just keeps getting worse with age.

I'm really sorry for this, I may have come across as a self absorbed, vain, shallow person, but this is like a new layer added to my depression, I feel so OCD about my looks, I've even stopped socializing with people, and have stopped talking to old friends, I'm tired of people telling me what I look like. Tired of them feeling sorry for me. I know how I've changed, and I don't want to be reminded of it constantly. Can anybody understand me? It's driving my mom and dad crazy.