i've never had a problem with drinking/substance and i know some do, hence the trigger warning, apologies in advance. i had a drink for the first time in years last night and suddenly had all of the courage in the world. my inhibitions were gone, i was able to pop into a full chatroom and go back and forth with several people and offer support and good feelings, silly joking and whatnot. walked to the store and chatted up the clerk instead of my usual nod in their general direction. i talked to a family member i haven't talked to in years. also got to talk to a friend here who is always so nice to me and reminded me how much i miss two of my primary hobbies.

and i'm realizing this morning that it's easy to lose essential parts of myself; identity, hobby, etc., when not in contact with other people. i don't mean constant contact, you know, but when you fall out of touch with the world completely for years-on-end, there's nothing and nobody to bounce your thoughts, feelings and interests off of, making all of them very difficult to gauge or hold onto. i guess the whole 'social species' thing has some merit even when i usually try to convince myself my reclusiveness and avoidance are just natural and correct.

and yeah, all of my inhibitions are back again this morning and i'm back in my little safe space. as much as i'd like to go talk to those same people in a group setting, even if it's 'just' online, i can't. i know i won't talk to that family member again for more years and i i don't know how much contact is appropriate with online friends. i am just overwhelmed so easily and can't handle being seen and judged, so it feels impossible to open up or be a bother. i wouldn't even say it's loneliness i feel now, but more frustration at my inability to form the bonds needed in order to feel loneliness in the first place. and the sadness that comes along with thinking/knowing this is something that may never change as one more year passes me by. accepting myself seemed like it'd be easy. being accepted feels impossible.