Hi ThisWayOut,

I'm sorry things are hard for you right now

But........"I shouldn't give in, but there's no immediate accountability anyway, so it doesn't really matter anymore............" maybe no accountability to others (??) but it still matters because you matter
Maybe you're finding that hard to believe/feel right now, but you do!!

Still you're right sometimes nothing can match the release from SI, and there are no "good" alternative releases, but if you can maybe keep on and on trying "slight" even "very slight" alternative releases??
I know the urges might still be there, might even be strongly there but sometimes given time..........seriously not easy sometimes, I know but........all you can do, hey??

And it is real good that you've tried the crisis chats, good on you!!! But maybe do a bit of checking into different crisis chats........they may not be as good but just in case the one you're trying is busy, and you need to talk??
And of course if you can talk to us............

So.........you've done so well recently- a few weeks!!! Do not let what's been happening lately take that away from you, it's yours to hold onto no matter what.
Remember to stay proud of yourself for that and given time you can maybe return to that point, in fact maybe in time even beat that.
I don't know, maybe not right now, as things sound real tough for you but.........well you've done it recently so.........
And on that..........you know if you want to talk about what might have been triggering the stress you've been under, or about anything...........well we're here for you

Alison