Thanks Achy and Nicky. I've actually just turned 61, so I've got a few years on you yet Of course, in my earlier years BPD was pretty much unheard of, so I was labeled with all kinds of stuff. Manic depressant (Bi-Polar these days) and having "anger management" issues just to name a couple. I blamed the various diagnosis for being the cause of none of my relationships working out. Now I know what's really behind it.

A wise person told me not to let my diagnosis of BPD "own" me and I've tried not to let that happen, but I've gone down hill since the diagnosis to the point where I'm now on extended leave from a professional position until at least the end of October. The reality is that I may never go back. The anxiety lessoned with the introduction of an anti-psychotic but that's starting to wear off as I've been on it a while and it's only a very low dose. That makes me just want to stay indoors and not go anywhere or see anyone, yet this indescribable loneliness is destroying me. I need human company, but too scared to leave the house knowing that at any moment the few friends I still have may suddenly desert me, so I keep my distance. Of course they in turn think I'm pushing them away, which I am and they just seem to get on with their lives without me. Push, pull. Push, pull. Where does it end? Does it ever end? Even the self help message board I go on has been causing me anxiety lately. A couple of people on there go on about how well they're managing their condition and I just want to scream at them to shut up, but I can't so I do silly things to myself while I starve myself. It's what I do when I'm like this. I just can't eat!

Anyhow, I'm sure I'm only preaching to the converted here, so I'll get off this computer and try to find something worthwhile to do, but thanks once again.
Rose.