Past 2 Years, I have been experiencing more episodes of "depressness" than "manic". I hate to admit it, but I believe my biggest issue with depressness lies with difficulty of getting through a misunderstanding/rejection.

I met this lady as a classmate studying in the same faculty as mine. She has a tiny-built and a soft-spoken person. I like to observe the plus points of people than their demerits, but she stood out among the rest of the people. Feeling determined to know her better, I decided to step out to talk to her

shared about several past experiences, I mentioned that I had a horrible childhood when I was attending schools, being made fun of my name and my parents, that I had contemplated suicide at several points in my life(But not anymore). Even though it wasn't intentional, she simply told me this, " Suicide does not make anything better at all, it just eliminates the possibility of things becoming hopeful ". That statement itself left a deep mark in my life. It served as a repeated reminder during my episodes of "depressness", if I had ended my life, I would have let everybody down.

There were times we had misunderstandings, that led her to keep ignoring my texts message. Eventually, I had decided to invite her out for a meal simply just to patch up misunderstandings, not because I have interest in her. She politely declined, and I took it as she's fine with it. From that day onwards, she ignored my texts for days, and I was really confused about what went wrong. Then as time passed, I began to feel like I've fallen for her, but I denied all sorts of feelings, assuming that I'm simply being polite.

Til today, we have not had a proper conversation. It has gotten so bad that during times of depressness, I could not even lift myself out of bed. The moment of semi-awake, was simply thinking about her, snuggling my bolster as if I was cuddling with her. I simply slept longer and skipped some of my lectures, or even skipped school. I felt the world turned against me, there was not a slightest bit of hope, and repeatedly reproach myself for being the cause of this. I indulged in comfort eating, but it was no use at all. Many times I visualize myself walking into a reservoir and drown without any struggles. No matter what, I simply refuse to give in to this thoughts because I'm always reminded of what she has said.

Ironically, the person whom benefitted me, turned out to be the same person that I'm avoiding as much as possible. As I'm currently in my 4th week of my 16 weeks internship at a company, my mind is calmed down, accept it as part of my life, but sometimes when depression mode kicks in, it sends me back down to "hell". It feels so painful of an experience to bear with. Others have been through worse than me, but I wonder if I am even making it out of this alive at all.

What if even though I've stabilized my mood during my 16 weeks outside school working, and I end up returning to square one the moment I see her again? Sigh, I wish I could simply just wish that I was born to deal with this without getting my emotions out of place.