...
I dunno. I'm so lost right now.
trying to read here, trying to take in what people are saying, but can't get past the **** in my head.
I keep trying to look to the move being a good thing, but I can't see past the stress of it right now. I can't see the happy I know will be there on the other side of this.
I keep defaulting to the self-destruct line of thinking. I've been in therapy forever, learned a ****-ton of skills, and I still can't get that instinct out of my head when things are overwhelming.
This move sucks. It's not that I don't want to be with my wife. I just haven't dealt with all the loss wrapped into this move. I never seem to be able to deal with it. I try to talk about it, but then I back away way too fast and my T's have all let me. I don't know how to break down that wall and find a safe place or way to grieve all this... I just want to be able to cry and feel like it's not going to crush me. I wanted to with this last T, but she wanted to wrap our work up and not deal with any of this (it wasn't what I was going to see her for). I don;t ever know how to address it, and then it feels horrible. So I default to wanting to cut b/c that at least makes me feel better in the moment. And it's something I can control. It has a beginning, a middle, and an end. It ends. This never feels like it ends... and there's no control to it. I feel totally out of control with everything else. I just need something I can not feel so lost with.

I tried to talk to my wife about it, but all she hears is that she is not good enough and I don't want to be with her. That is the furthest thing from the truth... and she doesn't know how to hear that. So I can't talk to her... and it really sucks, coz I want to be able to talk to my wife about it. I have no one else in my life to talk to about it, no one that would feel safe to cry with and around... So I really just want to cut b/c that would feel better...