Quote:
Originally Posted by CopperStar
Well for whatever it is worth I tend to get extremely similar delusions, either that I am a demon or that I have one attached to me. I also grew up in a rather extremist religious environment so I imagine that a lot of it is inspired by that. Basically my mental illness combines with my childhood experiences, and then that is what pops out. Delusions about being a demon or having one attached to me.
I have even had many, as in like countless, nights over the years where I have pondered it deeply for hours. I even come to the conclusion of feeling sympathy for the demon that I believe is attached to me. It can never be redeemed, it was cast down and damned for one rebellion, something humans do all the time but can get forgiveness for. What motivation does it have to redeem itself, if it can uh, never be redeemed. I imagine it to be a lonely, tormented thing, as miserable and crazy as I am. Sometimes it feels like the only consistent friend I ever have.
But if someone asked me if I believe in demons, I'd look them in the eye and say, "No." And I don't. I don't believe it is real. But it's real to me. And I can simultaneously experience it as real while knowing that it's not. If that makes an ounce of sense.
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That pretty much explains exactly how I feel, minus the sympathy part. I have a "demon" presence.. I actually feel like he's a fey creature called a Kelpie that resembles a horse who drowns people for sexual pleasure.
In my dreams, he appears in a explosion of black smoke, with his tail end being just a trail of the smoke.. His eyes are glowing a strange pink-blue mixture and he follows me through places of my past that are slightly altered.
In reality, I feel him in the shadows. If I think about him, he's invited into my life.. But sometimes, even if I don't think about him, he appears and fills me with almost excitable fear. He feels dear to me, close to me, almost a part of me. I've even named him, which someone suggested to me, though I fear that has made him even more real. His name is Siersa, which came to me one day while meditating on him. There have been times where I've, against my will, broken down into tears of terror from the feeling that he's watching me and go into a trance of all of these memories that aren't mine. I feel like it has meaning, and makes me question my beliefs altogether.
Lately I've been questioning whether or not I believe in supernatural things, but I can say without a doubt that I don't believe in the Christian idea of angels, demons, heaven, or hell. None of it feels real to me. I have my own ideas of all of that, of which I'm still trying to understand.