Had our regular session with MC today. A few highlights:

I told him I'd been OK for a couple days after the last session, then started getting upset again, weepy all the time, etc. He seemed genuinely concerned. I said I thought my big issue right now is not knowing *why* his "thoughts evolved," that if I didn't know why something happened, I assumed it was my fault. And that now I also have trouble trusting what he says, because those thoughts could evolve too...

He said that back in March, when he'd said the thing about the door being open for more individual sessions with me, he'd said it without really thinking it through first. And almost immediately after, he realized he shouldn't have offered that. So he changed his mind back then, not as a result of my telling him I loved him a few weeks ago. It made me feel much better to hear that, mainly because he was admitting that he'd made a mistake and it wasn't something I said or did. I guess he hadn't brought up his change of heart earlier because I hadn't asked for another individual session until a few weeks ago.

He also said that in a way, it was like I was "testing" him (like, "Will you still accept me if I do x? What about if I do y?"). Which is something my T had brought up a few weeks ago, how maybe I was doing that. Surprisingly, MC said it was OK if I still kept doing that. I said I thought it would be like the reassurance thing, but he said it was different. We all agreed that I do some of the testing thing with my H, too. MC said that because of stuff from the past, I expect that people will abandon me if I'm open about what I'm feeling. But that I can learn through him and H (and presumably other people in my life) that my expectations are wrong and they won't go anywhere.

Later in the session, I was telling him how in my session with T last week we'd been going over who in my past could have been leading to the transference with MC. I said it was hard because it was like a "Greatest Hits" of people who'd hurt me in some way. MC said he was sorry that enough people had hurt me to make a "Greatest Hits" album. I thanked him for that. Then he was like, "So am I on your Greatest Hits album now?" I said I wasn't sure. H said maybe he'd be on "Volume 2." Then I said that with the transference, it was largely stuff from the past. So maybe he'd be there as a cover song or re-recording of an old song. MC laughed hysterically at that and noted that it was good I could joke about the stuff.

Joking aside, I found it interesting that he wanted to know if he was part of that Greatest Hits list. Maybe he was trying to figure out how much he'd hurt me? Whatever the reason, it did seem like he was acknowledging that he'd hurt me. Which was helpful to me too, along with the explanation. I mean, I wish he'd come out and said, "I'm sorry I caused you pain," but the things he was saying suggested that's what he was feeling.

I just felt much more understood this session compared to the last two. I think he really got how big a deal this is to me and was trying to make it right this time. And it really felt like he cared. I'll just have to see if this feeling can last more than a couple days this time...