My pdoc appointment to decide on which medication to try first is on Wednesday. I've been obsessing about it for almost two weeks now, since the last initial appointment, and have been all over the place from damn-near-suicidal apathy to extreme agitation to terrible anxiety to full-blown paranoia that my psychiatrist is secretly hoping to kill me or make me go insane or something. Once in a while even a feeling of sorrow like I am going off to die with this and don't actually want to. Gotta love paradoxical mind****s in a mixed state. Oh and then there's the occasional almost giddy excitement, as though my brain is interpreting this as going off to try LSD or something, like maybe I'll feel 'crazy' and it'll be fun. Goodness gracious.

After changing my mind about 200 times in 2 weeks, right now I'm actually leaning towards asking to try Seroquel. Because a lot of material I've read on it, from articles to studies to a slew of reviews from people who have tried it, seems to strongly indicate that it is very unlikely to be activating and can really help people mellow the hell out. I know that initially I'll probably be sleeping like a log, and that I might gain some weight, but neither of these side effects really bother me all that much.

My biggest fear is that whatever AP I try will make me even more wound up, agitated and nuts. I already spend more days than not, and more waking hours than out, restlessly pacing, talking to myself, being all wound up, agitated in a like a physiological festering way and having horrible intrusive thoughts some of which are suicidal or homicidal in nature. I think the fact alone that my pdoc wants me to try Abilify first and then reading those negative Abilify reviews about agitation, insomnia and aggression have had me in like a constant state of doomsday thinking ever since. So I'm really honing in on choices that seem to be mostly sedating, because I am starting to scare myself a little at this point.

Other than too much sleep or too much foraging in the kitchen, has anyone had positive results with Seroquel? Like if you set aside any side effects, just focusing on how your symptoms responded to it, has anyone had any luck? I'm asking from the perspective of someone who is okay with gaining a few pounds or sleeping like a log for the first several weeks. I know some of you have probably quit Seroquel because the side effects sucked, which I understand. But did it at least work?