I see where you're coming from. I have abused adderall and other uppers in the past and I know now that it was totally related to my mania. However when I was doing all that I was totally in denial of my diagnosis...it's hard. I know how you feel. Who knows, you may not be bipolar, or you may be back in the doctor's office a year or two from now begging for help...that's what happened to me.