Hi, everyone.

I am currently dating a girl with a very traumatic past. Over the past year she has really opened up to me. Thinking of her past, though, has made me think of my own. Now some old question are playing in my head again. I could really use someone's opinion and/or advise.

I'm not really sure how to explain my story, so I apologize if it's a bit confusing.

When I was younger (6-8 years old) I had two female friends that I was extremely close to. For this post I'll call one Emma and the other one Amanda. Of the three of us, Amanda was kinda our leader. She would pick the games we played, whose house we played at, things like that. I am not sure when it happened or how, but at some point things became very sexual between the three of us. Amanda would claim she wanted to play a game. She would tell me or Emma to take off our pants and underwear. Then Amanda would touch our vaginas. Sometimes during these games she would make me or Emma join in. Amanda always made sure that we were alone (closing doors, hiding, things like that). Amanda had one rule that we couldn't break; we could not tell anyone what was happening.
I remember when I told my mom about these 'games'. My mom got extremely upset and talked to Amanda's mom about what was happening. When Amanda found out that I told my mom, she was livid. She would not allow me to play games with her or Emma and completely ignored me for a few days.
When Amanda finally talked to me again, I told her I wasn't allowed to play her 'game' anymore. She told me that it was my body and I could do whatever I wanted with it, that I shouldn't listen to my mom.
These 'games' continued almost daily for a year.

When I got older (10-12 years old) I became friends with a girl that lived near me. She was a little younger than me (maybe a year). Let's call her Abby. As we became closer, I started playing the same 'games' as Amanda used to play with me. Except now I was the leader. I would tell her what to do, I would touch her or make her touch me. I had the same rule though, Abby wasn't allowed to tell anyone what we were doing. This continued for about a year.
Even thinking about it now, I'm ashamed of it. I feel disgusted by the memory. I can't beleive I did that to someone.

As I grew up (now I'm 20 years old) I found that I hate people touching me. People have to have my permission to touch me, even just to get close to me. I hate being around people I don't know. I'm uncomfortable with sexual situations, but yet I seek out sex. I am extremely sexual, but I don't enjoy sex itself. I have to be in control of everything.

Is this normal behavior for children? Could these experiences still be causing me problems?

Anything would help.
Thank you
~ Shell