I did some research on what causes commitment phobia and intimacy fears and the articles I came across stated that it stems from childhood. Whether or not the child bonded adequately with the parental figure. In my case, I grew up with a Narcissistic mother, so this made immediate sense to me. I then began to look a little more deeply into the effects that growing up with a narcissist actually has on an adult and the fear of intimacy played a role in that. So it all comes full circle for me. Makes sense. Low self esteem pops up in relationships because of this. So does the fear of not wanting to be hurt by anyone to the point of not even giving them a chance. When children/adults are emotionally abused, it often feels better to remain secluded as opposed to venturing out into uncertainty. My anxiety disorder came from my childhood too so it all ties together. Therapy doesn't work for me, I think this kind of emotional damage requires finding a loving and supportive mate who gently helps with the recovery process and is understanding about the depths of emotional child abuse. Hope this helped anyone else out there dealing with something similar.

I came across a quote by an adult daughter of a narcissistic mother who said something very similar to my post earlier, she said, "We may believe we have no right to exist, and almost certainly feel that we're never good enough, that we're not acceptable, that at some deep down level we're inherently flawed." This comes from years of gaslighting, emotional invalidation, and parenting the parent as opposed to the parent parenting the child. The appropriate emotional development and trust is sabotaged.