Hey. I understand where you are coming from. I find it really hard when my therapist has time off too. Sometimes I think about not going back. Often I'm kinda removed from him when I do go back too. Scared to let him in. When you need someone and they aren't there it HURTS. Pulling back (not going back) can be a bit of a self defensive strategy to prevent further hurt. I understand that one.

I'm having two weeks off from seeing my therapist. I had conference last week so didn't get to see him. Bit weird I guess because I had to tell him that I wouldn't be able to go so it isn't like it is at his request. He said that he was taking the following week off though so that means a two week break basically.

Near the end of the session he tries to talk about book-keeping stuff for a few minutes. To help me wind down. He said he wanted me to think about my therapy goals and stuff. So we could talk about what we are doing and where we are headed. He asked me what I thought about that. I felt really upset. Told him that I had to do that kinda stuff around every 6 or 12 weeks back home and that mostly it was an excuse to terminate me. Didn't matter what I said. He leaned forward and said my name... He said 'you know I'm different - right?' and I nodded. And he said that the situation was different this time too and he said a couple of respects in which it was different. I think the idea was to orient me to the present situation.

But... It is still hard though. I guess that everyone who I ever really strongly attached to left me. I worry about him leaving too. 'Cause that is what happens. You attach and then the person leaves. And then it hurts so much that I start to fragment and go a bit psychotic and I lose my ability to function and I just want to hurt myself and die.

But... I think that the idea is that with little breaks one gets the opportunity to muster ones strength. I think of little things he says and does and they help me get through. It can be hard when the break is a bit much... (The last one was a bit traumatising - actually a LOT traumatising). But this one... Is kinda less so. I'm going to focus on my work and try and remember the things he says and does when I feel a bit bad. It does hurt that he isn't around but it is a manageable kinda hurt. It does hurt (a lot) when I think about how he isn't going to be seeing me forever. Hurts a lot. But maybe... I'll be a bit stronger by that time and maybe... I'll be better at developing meaningful bonds with a variety of people in my life. Maybe.

Hang in there. Take some gentle care.