Fuzzy,
Sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. And I am guessing that your belief on a good Christian or a bad Christian are very familiar to myself.

Let me just say..... Ultimately, if you strip away all the platitudes and rituals - you will not find a single "good" Christian in Gods eyes. Because we ALL fall short. Your sin, my sin, Jeffrey Dahlmer's sin...... sin is sin. Period.

I think one of the hardest things to do in this life is to learn to forgive yourself.

Let me try to give you a real example. I am in my 40s, with one grown child and one nearly grown. Last year - my kids learned that I cheated on my wife. VERY painful stuff.

My youngest child has self-harm & ideation issues. She has done some dumb things too. So just this past week I sat down with her and asked her point blank if she is still mad at me for my "sins". She said no. I asked again, even knowing how much I messed up and how much pain I caused this family. She still said no.

THAT is grace. THAT is what you (or anyone else) can have anytime.

Now to truly make a hypocrite out of myself....... I can not express how much I wish I was standing before God at this moment. Surely not because I am holy. But I am just dead tired of this awful, awful world.