For 2 years, my husband lied to me about his friendship with an ex-girlfriend of mine. She was my friend, but 2 years ago, we had a disagreement and although we kept in touch, we were no longer close as before. However, my husband continued to see her. Whenever I traveled on work, he would go out with her but hide this from me or lie about it. He also lied about phone calls and text messages from her; he would invite her to family dinners and outings without telling me so that I would always be surprised to find her there. This deceitful behavior went on for 2 years and when I confronted him, he denied lying to me. Things went from bad to worse between us, and we barely spoke to each other. I couldn't sleep at night and both of us were depressed. Things got worse after she figured out that my husband was lying to me about anything to do with her and started lying to me herself, so that his lies would remain "protected". This was the final humiliation for me. I believe that even though there was no physical or sexual relationship between them, my husband committed "emotional infidelity". By this time, we were on the brink of divorce.

I had a massive showdown with him and he finally admitted his guilt after I literally bombarded him with example after example of his lies and deceit over the past 2 years. I believe he was genuinely ashamed and sorry for what he had done, and in a way, I think he was getting tired of lying to me, and was glad to get it off his chest finally. Now, our relationship is on the mend, and I believe that it is only because we still love each other that we have managed to reach the stage we are at today. Now, I never bring the subject up, nor do I remind him of what he did to me because I do not want to humiliate him or use the past to denigrate him.

However, I feel that admitting guilt is only the first step. I believe I also have a right to know WHY he did what he did. But I am afraid to ask him because I do not want to resurrect the past and remind him of his deceitful behavior, which would only embarrass and humiliate him. At the same time, the need to know why is eating at me. I am still unable to sleep well, and although the insomnia is not as bad as before, and I am less depressed, this question still haunts me. Am I expecting too much to want to know why, or should I simply accept his apology and genuine shame at what he did? How do I get him to tell me why without embarrassing him?

SS