I really hate the fact that, some 8 or 9 years after enduring several sexual assaults, that somehow I'm just realizing I have a super cliche, angry-psuedo-feminist resentment towards men.

I harbor an enormous amount of pessemism towards men's sexual intent, especially if they have very high sex drives and like kink. Things that go through my mind is crap like "They're always just thinking of getting their dicks wet, its like if they dont get laid every night you'd think they are enduring abuse, they're all dogs constantly making playthings of women, if a man doesn't get his sexual needs met there is always hell to pay and something has gotta give and that's always the woman!"

I end up perceiving them and their sexuality as shallow, even if they love me. It's also all the more complicated considering my lower, more easily distractible sex drive. It's further complicated cause sometimes sex really is just shallow, or simple.

I feel terrible about this endless tape recorder in my head, it's unnecessarily harsh, irrational, and completely driven by anxiety. But, it exists cause that really was my experience of men at some point....Making it even harder to stop that defensive spiral. Not like that thinking is really helping me avoid being used, or anticipating attack. (I just think it may help me make a character judgement down the line if for some reason I need to stitch the peices of someones personality together, assuming I was too dumb to see it coming before...just like with my rapes) It's even harder to not go there considering some terrible boyfriends I've had, and how some of that stuff could apply to them.

This is driving my S.O insane, who is madly in lovery wit me. Its driving me crazy, too, and I lovery him dearly as well.

That's also not to say some men don't struggle with being entitled. It just, still struggling with my past makes it very hard to distinguish between some occassional manifestations of male entitlement, and outright misogyny. My brain is constantly on the lookout for any possible sign of bad male behavior towards me.

I don't even know where to begin with solving this, it's all so tangled. I feel like such an asshole