I'm sorry you have the two friends' deaths to process right now. It took me a long time, looking at times of sadness and depression, to realize that such feelings are "appropriate." Whenever I have a feeling I don't "like" I instantly ask myself, "What would you rather be feeling, now?" Nothing else makes sense when someone dies except sadness and, insofar as it reminds you of your own sad times that you're struggling with, depression!

You said, "I was having dark thoughts, wondering if throwing oneself in front of a train was a solution" and sure, it is "a" solution but hardly a "useful" or appropriate/good one? I'm reminded of the teen "wizard" books where several wizards combat one another "to the death" and have to "unmake" each other and how beginning wizards are taught that unmaking is a "bad"/negative thing. But I wouldn't call unmaking one's self a "solution" mostly because one is unmaking the possibility of their being a problem, not solving it now that it exists? Its a little like a frustrated two year old who doesn't like what she is making or drawing and suddenly destroys it or starts scribbling madly overtop. That doesn't get any practice in on "solving" problems and dealing with frustration or sadness or other uncomfortable states of being, just destroys the "being" itself.

I look at lots of things as a "skill" that requires practice to become good at it. You can't learn to walk or talk or write or draw without practice? Likewise, you can't learn to experience and work with all one's emotions (that are built-in, not "choices") unless you persue them and sit with them and work with them. I want to feel what I feel when I'm feeling it and the only way I can do that is to feel sad and feel hurt and feel depressed and feel abandoned, able to care for myself, able to reach out, able to become good at being Perna :-) It takes exploration and practice to "be" who we are.

I think you did wonderfully, Mouse, e-mailing your T your troubles, reaching out for yourself rather than keeping the pain to yourself and letting it fester further. That makes me happy to see.