Hi ThisWayOut,

First of all........you don't suck!!! Not at all!!!
You caved, but you caved under immense pressure/emotion, right??!!
You're going through a lot!!
And now I want you to count how many times before that you didn't cave, times you really wanted to, times the urges were real bad. Maybe you can't come up with a number (??) but I'm pretty certain it was a lot, right?? So lets call it a victory you held out that long, hey??!!
And now back to trying not to??? The art, distractions, talking, crisis chats, coping skills.......back to throwing everything at it/the urges you can???

"knew it was a bad idea to try to call ex-t. think I pissed her off by crossing that boundary. knew I shouldn't have"
Please try not to feel bad about reaching out
Sometimes hard to know what other peoples reactions may be, if you pissed her off (??), but reaching out..........well that is something you should feel proud about. That takes strength, courage, and that is really isn't something you should fault yourself on

The move..........should have asked you this before.........but any things you think you need to get some sort of "symbolic" closure on?? Any "goodbyes" even mentally you think you need to make (and not necessarily to people)?? before you go.
I know with some things, much easier said than done, or even impossible, but just a thought........
Think you and you're wife might need to get together with a bit of creative thinking about the actual move though..........sounds like a lot of things to fit into the car, and maybe some prioritising???
Seriously wouldn't do this "maybe I can just throw out most of the stuff we have" without talking to your wife first though
And really seriously "she doesn't know I've been doing it, and really don't want her to find out (huge sore subject between us)".........I'd say might be good to tell her before she notices, but not only that......maybe she could give you a bit of support??? Afterall she knows how upset/emotional you've been, and she's got to understand that the move along with everything else has to be really hard on you??? Because it's not just about the move, is it??!!

And the crying, again it sounds awful what you've been through ........and having people you feel safe with, comfortable with, who you trust can be so important........doesn't necessarily "heal" you from the memories, but they can help you on that journey.
And right now, as much as you can, try to be that/your voice which defies what the memories tell you, because you are so much more than those memories, you matter so much more than those memories.
But if we can offer you a little safety here............



Alison