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Jul 02, 2015, 06:39 PM
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Member Since: Jun 2014
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,706
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It sounds quite heartbreaking to me. This is even worse than hearing things from a T, the fact that she approached you physically. Of course she should have thought about the modality before she offered you this kind of comfort, sitting with you when you cried and so on. As you say your T went through a rough time perhaps she in some odd way got some comfort back from you and then she realised she had come to near and that she had gone beyond boundaries.
I think itīs strong you keep up the work with this T.
Quote:
I wish I knew why, because I'd love to know what NOT to do. I was having a hard time with trust, and my T started making a habit of sitting by me, even holding me while I cried. I learned to appreciate that. Then it was gone after 4 months, as quick as it started....but it took me awhile to realize she wasn't offering that anymore. When I questioned her about it she said that was not her modality, but she knew I was in a very dark place and very alone, and she strayed from what is her modality to help me through that, and to help gain my trust. Well, my trust was definitely damaged by something she did to gain it in the first place. My upset doesn't come from her taking away this action, it's due to the fact she didn't talk to me about it. So, knowing she can up and change things whenever she feels like it leaves me spending more time in therapy watching for something changing or being taken away, rather than therapy itself. Because I know she's capable of changing boundaries without even letting me know. I've been told by numerous people that it seems like, based on my story, she found herself too attached, realized it and backed off. She was going through a rough time herself in her own life, and was pretty vulnerable herself I'm sure. That does make sense, because I can't see a T admitting that to a client. But I also disclosed some displeasure around the same time.... the issue going on in her life was trickling into my therapy a great deal and I was having a hard time with that.
Thinking back to who or what I was back in February when the boundary changed, and looking at myself now, I'm in a far worse place now than I was then. I've found myself regretting that disclosure, I've even found myself regretting letting her touch me at all. I told her had I known it was temporary and she'd be taking it away, I never would have let her do it to begin with.
I'm fighting hard to try to get past this and focus on therapy, she was perfect for me until this happened, we worked very well together, and I feel attached to her, regardless of the hurt and lack of complete trust I feel. I just keep thinking, if I work hard enough at it, I can move beyond this and continue this journey with her. Because really, that's what I want.
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