because of my ongoing high level of stress and uncertainty, i'm still having a lot of difficulty with moods and dissociation. i cannot tell which is depression and which is more dissociation though.

last night, it got to a scary point where i felt things so shut down (which has been happening a lot lately) and dark (not in the mood sense, but literally inside) and could not figure out which reality was real, the one i saw outside or the one i felt inside. it is a scary and almost dangerous place to be because that is when unhealthy coping skills become an option...and no matter how much i do not want to engage in it, sometimes it literally feels like the only thing there is to try to make it all stop or come back into my body/reality more.

also during that, being able to reach out to my psychiatrist is never an option. she has always told me she will be there for me whenever i need to see her, but things just get shut down so much that she doesn't become an option.

i am not understanding any of this..i don't know if it even belongs in this forum or another one.

i cannot always tell what is dissociation and what it is not...but you'd think i should be able to after a lifetime of it.

all i know is being in an in between reality/twilight zone type of state and not fully knowing what is real is scary...and very dark feeling.

a year or two ago (something like that), i had a similar type of thing happen...but at that time, there was a voice inside telling me to hurt myself. it completely took over, and i can remember using what little energy i had left just arguing with it, talking to it, and trying to make it leave me alone. it kept making me feel its feelings as a way to make me do what it wanted, and i am scared that kind of thing might happen again. i had never heard that voice before though.

i used to know what the others' voices were, ages, and genders, etc. but that stopped several years ago...and i am unsure why...if it was just made up...except any time i did/do hear the voices, it was/is very real......and when they blend into me, that is also very real.

i just don't understand how it can go from hearing their voices and having such a loud head for years and then losing it all but still feeling them (sometimes)....and not knowing who it is anymore....if it's the same ones or different..if they have shifted/changed or if i have....i don't understand it.