I'm pretty much worthless and a waste of space anyway, but there are people who are just kind to everyone, they have no standards at all. No one would actually choose to care about me, but if someone had that blanket caring thing going on, I can't let them.

I disappoint everyone. No matter what they think about me, I always end up slighting someone somehow. I have no right to hurt someone like that, even if it's a tiny minor hurt. I'm not worthy of hurting someone. Proof - no matter how small, as soon as I'm not perfectly aligned to whatever image they have of me, I'm dropped.

So I can't let someone care because I know, always, how it will end. With them disappointed and hurt by me. I'm so guilty for that, I blame myself endlessly for it, can't let it go, and can't live with myself.

I have a new therapist who said her biggest problem with me is my complete lack of hope. I want to quit her right now. She's very stoic, but still, if there's something about me that bothers her, even though it's her job to deal with it and to be compassionate, I have no right to do that to anyone. I will infect her with my hopelessness, because she will become hopeless that she can ever help me.

That's my therapist, forget other people. I've been accused of "pushing people away," which I don't think is accurate or fair, because I only leave people when they become abusive to me, and I can take a lot of ****.

It is true that I don't let myself become "collected." I saw a librarian yesterday, who for some reason likes to talk to me. She grinned at me across the room and gave me a huge exaggerated wave. I waved back and turned away from her. I haven't disappointed her yet - but I will if I talk to her - so better that way.

I wish I could wear a badge so people would know. Once someone gets to know me, I'm dropped, 100% of the time. People who are nice to everyone, they need some sort of warning system so they don't waste their time on someone like me. They don't need to have me make them feel bad, and then feel bad again when they have to cut ties.

To be a decent person, I have to protect other people from me, so I can't let anyone care for me. I have to be away, and stay away, and stuff how painful that is. I'm not eligible for anything remotely resembling a normal interaction with anyone. I have a terrible essence underneath it all that I can't overcome, that has nothing to do with me, it's just there. I will hurt people, all people, and because every other person, all of them, are more important and valid than I am, I have to shelter them from me.