I haven't been on this forum for a while, but I've been thinking a lot about this so I decided to post on here again to see what you all think.

I've seen two therapists recently. One of them told me that they thought that I could have depression. They told me that I have the negative thinking, low self esteem and a few of the other symptoms that a person with depression usually has. The other therapist I saw told me that she doesn't think I'm depressed. She said that I don't have a lot of the signs that are associated with depression I guess. She basically said that if I was depressed, I wouldn't be able to function normally. I have a job that I go to and at the time that I was seeing her, I was in school. I have since graduated.

Sometimes, I feel like she might be right. Sometimes, I feel sad, but sometimes I don't. I don't know what I feel. I know I don't feel happy. I used to cry a lot, but now I don't really cry much at all. It just depends I guess on the way I'm feeling each day. But, sometimes I feel like the only reason I get up in the morning is because I don't want my family to know that there might be something wrong with me. Like I have to act as normal as possible because I want to hide it from them. I have to because they already think that I'm lazy because when I am home, I usually just stay in my room and lay in my bed most of the time. My mom thinks I sleep 24/7 which actually isn't true but she thinks it is.

I'm questioning myself now because I thought that it was possible that I was a little depressed but apparently I might not be. Maybe it's all in my head and I'm just imagining it all. Like I made up that I felt sad and that I hate myself and that I was crying and hurting myself for no reason at all, really.

I really just want to be normal and it really makes me hate myself sometimes that I can't.

Sometimes I want to hurt myself and I don't know what to do anymore.