thanks
You are right, there were a bunch of times I did not cave in the recent weeks. I need to remember that.
T ended up calling back the next day, and we talked. She wasn't mad at me (though I have no idea why. I was so sure she would be
so pissed... or maybe that's more of the transference that is rampant in my head still). She just told me things I already knew, but it helped hearing them from her. And she was so nice, even when she didn't really have to be.
Lol, the wife half-jokingly agreed to just trash stuff. Our new place is SO small, we really do need to cut down on what we keep. She reminded me that she has lived without it for the past year, so she will be fine without it from here on out. I just need to be ok getting rid of stuff. I've gotten better at it, but my inner hoarder is kinda freaking out a bit.
I indirectly admitted to the sh via my blog (which my wife reads, though it's kinda a ****** way to tell her). If she reads it and asks if I have been cutting, I might have to tell her... gulp... I'm not looking forward to that conversation. My sh was one of the main reasons we went to couple's therapy... and now we will be alone in a car together for 2 days. o_O there's no escaping an awkward conversation should it come up (for either of us). I also kinda told her about some of the csa memories I had been processing with ex-t. The wife will be the only non-therapist person to know about that... and a deeper conversation around that might happen in the car also.
I keep reminding myself of ex-t's words the other day, and that I will be returning to a supportive & safe environment after this move... I just need to get there.
The closer the move, the higher the panic, flashbacks, sh urges, anticipation, excitement, saddness, happiness... ugh! It's
SO confusing.
Keeping the sh in check amidst all this is
really difficult. sh is easier than crying, and brings more relief in the moment. But I know the crying is probably the healthier option.
Quote:
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And right now, as much as you can, try to be that/your voice which defies what the memories tell you, because you are so much more than those memories, you matter so much more than those memories.
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I'm not sure I understand what you mean by that... I don't have much other than the memories. Even in my adult life (of which I have significantly more memories, especially + ones), it's all so tainted by that other life... it all feels far and fake and like someone else's life...