Quote:
Originally Posted by raspberrytorte
In the beginning, during my last episode, I knew my delusions couldn't be true. I felt I was dreaming, but would reality check by snapping my wrists with rubber bands.
But then it progressed, and just got worse, and I truly believed I was dreaming, and while I was sleeping (which was like two to three hours a night) I was actually awake, and then the racing thoughts came on full force, I truly believed I could save the world with my positive energy once I made enough of it (I made positive collages, wall to wall), and that once I "woke"up it would be released out into the world.
I believed all of that. There was no doubt.
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Raspberry: I am exhausted by all the positive energy I have sent out. My delusions of being able to do this same thing has happened for over 30 years. We bipolarites so often experience similar delusions, and my continuing fear is - what if we are right? Its so mentally confusing not knowing what is actually real. But, the normeys all want us to understand it isn't real. What if its not real to them? What if we bipolars are people who are more prone to psychic, or what if we understand some great understanding of how to create a better world. What if we are more at one with the cosmic? See, the trained side of me sees these thoughts and says - oh ya, that is me being prone to mania and delusions at this time. Believing that. But the part of me that lived without doctors and whose life was literally hell for decades because of ignorning my illness says - yes but you used to understand the stuff in the invisible is real, and the truth, and the current educational and governmental systems have no use for, purpose or point for what they consider delusionary thinking.
omg, why are our minds split in two between reality and imagination.
Its exhausting. But for my part - Thank you Raspberry, for making the world a better place by expanding your spirit and lifting us. Humankind is heavy.
