*hugs* (if it's ok?)

I grew up with an abusive father as well (emotionally, physically and verbally) who has also choosen to forget the fact that he hurt me, after making sure I knew it was all my fault (after all, he didn't hit my brother or sister, so it had to be me). It's the hardest thing in the world to do, but you have to realize that you don't need that in your life. That it isn't your fault (this is something I still struggle with daily) and there is nothing you do to make them hate you, it's their problem. You sound like you are already realizing this, and are working to make it better, so great job, and I hope you continue to do so.

And like dalila said, there are shelters out there for women like you, and they aren't awful. They also have some great resources to help you get used to living by yourself, I had to stay in one with my mother when I was in high school because her boyfriend was threatening her, and had hit me (but she isn't aware of this, I've never told her about my dad or her boyfriend, she wouldn't be able to handle it).

And I totally agree, you need to get out of the marriage, in any way that you can. Hope things go ok for you.