So for those following my recent posts, I wanted to make a post how this last month has been. For those who haven't, feel free to check out my other posts.

Well, I graduated high school about a month ago. Been feeling kind of empty ever since. Feeling a lack of direction, feeling worthless, and feeling like I've reached the end of the road. My expiry date, so to speak. because I feel like there will be no progression from here. I've had those recurring thoughts of manifesting and projecting my own negative feelings about myself onto my body. There seems to be no end to these thoughts, and the desire to do these things is just getting stronger each day.

Lately I've felt abandoned (by online and real life friends) as well as someone I recently had been obsessed with. (she filled the void, and is no longer there) My only real life friends are going off to university (inevitable, I guess) and my online friends no longer go to the site we all used to meet at. I'm scared that I will be left alone. I know this is all so pathetic. I just don't want to suffer with these thoughts anymore, without anyone distracting me from them. I've tried to avoid any possible triggers to these thoughts by sleeping all day (till about 9pm, sometimes) I don't really want to live this way anymore, honestly.

I recently was referred to a new therapist (those who followed my old threads may know this) and I had my first session with her on Thursday. It is CBT therapy. I find it very difficult to open up, and feel very disconnected. I can't help but begin to dislike the therapist for the fact that she is getting paid because of my issues, and that she truly doesn't give a **** about me. I feel pathetic for desiring some kind of love and validation, and feeling angry and upset at the fact I likely won't receive it from a therapist. I crave validation and some kind of closeness. I'm pathetic, and these desires are pathetic.

I don't know where to go from here, I just hope the CBT will begin to work for me. It's hard to deal with this constant inner turmoil.