'Transmuting internalisation'. Apparantly the mechanism of change is controversial. How are you supposed to help someone who is terrified of abandonment? How are you supposed to help someone who is unable to function in the absense of an external supportive relationship? 'Transmuting internalisation' apparently, but what on earth is that and how do you acomplish it?

Kohut said that you never need to be confrontational in the sense of being artifically traumatising. He said that life just is traumatising in a lot of respects and there simply will be moments of misattunement / misunderstanding / absence that are experienced as traumatic. The therapist doesn't need to do anything to induce those they simply happen because... That is life.

If the theraputic relationship is basically okay in the sense that there is a basic kind of attunement / bond / caring / responsiveness... Then the notion is that during those moments of misattunement / misunderstanding / absence the person is able to call to mind the background and basic understanding of the relationship in order to get through. What is different this time is that there is that basic background of attunement whereas it is likely that in the past there wasn't in quite the same way. Thats why the person struggles apparantly. Never got to internalise the good vibes 'cause there simply wasn't enough of them.

So... He goes away... Then he comes back. Then he goes away again... Then he comes back. I think the notion is that over time it gets a little easier because the absence means I'm kinda forced (or I kinda do) develop some object constancy. Can call to mind the good vibes of the relationship even in his absence and it helps the time apart be a little less traumatic. I think that is the idea.

But then of course... One day he will leave. There will come a day when we part and I'll probably never see him again. I guess the hope is that I've internalised enough such that... I'm more able to find / receive / participate in moments of attunement and connection with the other people in my life. That they will fulfill the self-object functions. At the moment it is a bit one sided, I guess. I'm able to take (sometimes) but not really able to participate (because of fear that someone will stomp on me at the precise moment of connection. That I'll metaphorically reach out my arms to someone and they will turn away. That my need is too great which makes the risk too great).

It is kinda scary. Kinda repulsive but to be longed for at the same time... We come from our mothers. We come from their insides... Then... We are supposed to internalise the role they play in our lives into our neurology. In order to get a sense of self. Confidence. Stability. Emotion regulation. Ew ew ew. But then that is the way...

Weird huh.