That is. That is a long story with many answers. Let me try to do this concisely.

1.) Pride is a thing. I have a lot of pride. I do hate myself for it, but nevertheless it remains. My pride tells me that I ought to be a cut above others and should be able to meet standards that others couldn't.
2.) If I didn't take the blame myself I'd have to give at least some of it to other people, and I have pretty much trained myself never to give blame to any other person.
3.) My parents have very high expectations of me, which I feel that I really ought to be able to attain, but, it's very hard to, and sometimes I don't make it. And I hate myself intensely whenever I fail.
4.) Fear of failure. And a fear of taking risks. I know everyone fears failure. This is more than the norm, I feel. It's all encompassing. It keeps me from feeling good about myself. I literally always am feeling fear. And I'm afraid that if I don't meet my impossibly high standards, I will fail.