We're not together yet, cos he's away now, but when he comes back he's going to get touchy all over again. I like holding hands, hug, kiss, masturbating him (I don't mind, really), but when he touches my boobs, *** and pus', I freak out a bit. He sometimes talks about sex, too. And we did cunnilingus once, and he was sad that I didn't suck his. And I won't. Ever. Sry.
We did this for like a month, and I allowed him. Once I freaked out because I felt like he's violating my private space, and we decided to remain friends. My therapist encouraged me to do whatever we like, cos we're young, but that's not ok, imo. I need to be treated with respect. Now it's the second time we're discussing this with him, and we will take it a little bit slow now when he comes back, in 2 months.
The thing is, he's a really sensitive guy, a nice one, too. A smart, kind, and attractive 16 years old boy. I'm 17 and half. It's gonna be my first relationship, but I worry that I will ruin something. Like, what if he touches my boobs and I will tell him to stop? He's going to be disappointed, even angry. He will think I don't like him. He's gonna be extremely depressed and will go home, leaving me guilty. Or maybe it's my imagination... He's always saying he cares about me. Last time we discussed this, he understood and we became friends instead of lovers. He was really caring and loving and was sorry that he hurt me with that "touchy" behavior. But we have gone so far since then, he licked my p**sy, for God's sake! How is he gonna behave if I suddenly tell him to stop. I'm so afraid and guilty. I want to satisfy my man. I can't stand seeing him sad.
And I have this irrational fear that he is gonna force me or something, which I know that won't happen. It's just, I had a sad childhood next to my aggressive dad, and now I'm afraid of all man/boys. I don't know how to say no, I don't know how to express my dislikes. I just freeze and feel guilty. What's wrong with me? Why don't I like to be touched, I'm a teenager, I should love sexual things! Or am I just wishing for a more meaningful relationship? Am I a bit closed? But I just panic when it's about sexual things. I would love to do them, but when he's here and touches me I just want to run away, I'm afraid, I don't know where he's going. I'm just not ready I guess. But I would like to open up a bit. He rushes these things so much, or maybe it's just me. I think it's my fault because I always let him do anything he wants with my body, because I'm guilty if I don't. What can I do?