I just saw my neigboor ( I wrote about him in the "survior of abuse" section because I had some wonders about his lack of control and anger towards someone who offended him )

I have met many abusers and the last 5 years have been very traumatic and painful for me.

There is something about my neigboor that I find likable. Its going to sound bizarre, but I think I am attracted to "who he may be". In my past I have always been attracted to abusers. Its just the pattern. My neigboor is not really my type and I am not really attracted to him as a partner, but I like to look at him and there is something about him. I am attracted to him in some way because I wonder if he is one of these men. I have been having some naughty thougths about him wondering who he is. I have had these thoughts because he talked a bit sexual last time telling me about something. Something that almost every woman ( and man ) would turn on. I may feel attracted to him simply because I am attracted to abusers, but dont know is he one. I hate abuse, but I always get attracted to them.

Today I saw a woman outside his home, talking to him. That is normal and fine because he talks with many people. But I felt some jealousy or some vulnerable feelings. I have not felt that before because then I had not talked with him nearly at all, just saying hi and so. 5 days ago I sat at his terrasse for whole 6 hours, we talked. Not sure if I felt some jealousy just because he hasnt asked me to come down visiting him yet again and the combination I saw that woman. We both have said not to be afraid wanting company at his place.

I do have a wish that he ask me down but its because I have these naughty thoughts about him and not really because I want a relationship. I know that is wrong way of thinking.

I had to write all this to get some help what my feelings are. Is this just vulnerable feelings I have? I liked talking to him, as I have no one to talk to that much. But I would never want to sit at another man place for company if not liking him or find something attractive about the man, Then I am rather alone. But I dont feel like this with my neighboor.

Maybe I feel like this only because I have some thoughs about him? or maybe its just the combination of longing for a partner I can share and talk with about everything and I know its not him and that I am still alone wondering will I ever be able to find someone nice and who really loves me.