Hello onetwothreex, and welcome to pc. It sounds like you had some painful and difficult issues to deal with during your childhood. I feel bad for the suffering you have been thru. And I am sure Afghanistan was hard too.

I can feel your pain in your post and I can see you feel so guilty and bad about the hurt you caused to your dog and others. Perhaps you learned aggressiveness as a way to handle things when you were a child growing up with abuse. Are you in therapy? If not maybe that would be helpful. I liked the suggestion of easing the guilt sense by supporting an animal shelter.

I don't know where you are spiritually and it is not for me to preach a religion, but what may be helpful is to pray to God as you know him, and ask His forgiveness for the things that are bothering you. God can and will forgive us even when no one else will. This can bring about a sense of peace.

I read in my Bible about a man named Saul who killed and persecuted the early Christians. Jesus appeared to him and asked him why he was persecuting him. Jesus forgave Saul, changed his name to Paul, and this man became one of the best Christian teachers the world has ever known.

Don't give up. You have had a hard life but there is hope for you. I wish you a sense of peace.