Quote:
Originally Posted by Emily_Strange
I really hate the fact that, some 8 or 9 years after enduring several sexual assaults, that somehow I'm just realizing I have a super cliche, angry-psuedo-feminist resentment towards men.
I harbor an enormous amount of pessemism towards men's sexual intent, especially if they have very high sex drives and like kink. Things that go through my mind is crap like "They're always just thinking of getting their dicks wet, its like if they dont get laid every night you'd think they are enduring abuse, they're all dogs constantly making playthings of women, if a man doesn't get his sexual needs met there is always hell to pay and something has gotta give and that's always the woman!"
I end up perceiving them and their sexuality as shallow, even if they love me. It's also all the more complicated considering my lower, more easily distractible sex drive. It's further complicated cause sometimes sex really is just shallow, or simple.
I feel terrible about this endless tape recorder in my head, it's unnecessarily harsh, irrational, and completely driven by anxiety. But, it exists cause that really was my experience of men at some point....Making it even harder to stop that defensive spiral. Not like that thinking is really helping me avoid being used, or anticipating attack. (I just think it may help me make a character judgement down the line if for some reason I need to stitch the peices of someones personality together, assuming I was too dumb to see it coming before...just like with my rapes) It's even harder to not go there considering some terrible boyfriends I've had, and how some of that stuff could apply to them.
This is driving my S.O insane, who is madly in lovery wit me. Its driving me crazy, too, and I lovery him dearly as well.
That's also not to say some men don't struggle with being entitled. It just, still struggling with my past makes it very hard to distinguish between some occassional manifestations of male entitlement, and outright misogyny. My brain is constantly on the lookout for any possible sign of bad male behavior towards me.
I don't even know where to begin with solving this, it's all so tangled. I feel like such an asshole
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I feel the same way sometimes. I always feel like men have some hidden agenda and that I should take two steps back to feel safe. I only get as close as forming surface level friendships but even with friendships, I hardly trust them.
My dad used to hit me when I was a kid. He used to scare the h*ll out of me and my siblings when he would get angry. Sometimes he would get really angry and take it out on us. I remember one time he got mad because I wouldnt be quiet (i think) and picked me up, slammed me on the floor twice, dragged me through the house like a rag doll, and threw me in my room. Then he probably got in my face and screamed. I was terrified.
Then once when I was 5, I ran up and spit on him. I don't know why I did it, I just did. I was just being a weird a kid. But anyway, I ran and hid from him after I did it. He found me hiding behind my doll house, grabbed me, and spit in my face. I remember everything getting blurry from the saliva covering my eye's. Who spit's in a five year old's face?
Anyway, I think he's the reason why I don't trust men. I know that this isnt true but I sometimes wonder if they're even capable of loving me like a woman can... I just dont feel safe with them. It's really a bad way to view people but I can't help the way I feel.
You view men this way because of your past and I don't blame you one bit. You just need some therapy and hopefully your mind will change and you can heal from the trauma that has happened to you. Hugs!