Intro: Alright, you probably wouldn't know upon meeting me that I have mental issues but I do. I say this, because on the outside people say I appear happy, confident, outgoing, and fun. If only they knew what was happenin' in my head. My psychologist is actually very conservative (not like other docs I have seen that pass pills to end the session), which worries me that she has diagnosed me with OCD, Depression, Anxiety, and ADHD. This worries me because she is spot on. I agree with her and it scares me. I have been seeing a Behavioral Therapist and Psychologist(MD) for 7 years now. I have gone from periods of resolution with depression and OCDt ton extreme cases fall symptoms.

Med Background: I'm on Zoloft and have been on 200 mg a day for a year, along with 15 mg of Deplin for the past 4 years. Zoloft was my first experience with anti-depressants and it helped as I was prescribed this for anxiety, depression, an OCD. I knew I needed help with the symptoms I've had since 10 years old (mostly OCD tendencies). I started with Zoloft and gradually moved to 125 mg and I finally felt okay.. as in, I didn't worry or care about the mundane problems, I was just... me, but without all the ******** worrying. I ended up getting too much anxiety and restlessness and switched to Prozac. Then Wellbutrin, then Effexor. Then back to Zoloft (my 200 mg/day dose).

Problem: I don't feel relief. I did with that initial Zoloft experience, but never again. I fight for myself everyday. I was on Adderall XR for ADHD (which my friends and co-workers point out my ADD-ness). I try and try to help myself with a counselor and psychologist because I WANT to be better! I have developed Trichotillomania (not the scalp as much as the arms and legs). Thankfully I have hair still left and it's not really noticeable.

On Adderall: I usually lost things constantly, was all over the place (as co-workers noted), took me forever to do a simple task, couldn't read because I had to go over a passage again and again to be sure of what i read, and most days on my way to work I've imagined crashing into the highway median/wall. No clue why. Just a thought. My brain was in control at this point - Every conversation I had with anyone was 25% of me listening and 75% of me telling myself what the person was thinking during this convo.

On Vyvanse: I definitely felt less impulsive, I'm hungrier, and have been much more depressed. To the point where I constantly think about ways to die. The reason I haven't done anything is because my dogs count on me and I love them endlessly and my parents would be disappointed.

Final thought: I have much more to say but I don't want to flood my words in excess. I'm beginning to lose hope. I have been seeking help for 7 years without a long-term result. I am at the point where living in my head has become more work than I can handle after all these years. Has anyone had success or does anyone have advice? After all this, I'm not sure what my purpose is anymore.