When I was a kid, my biological father was extremely unstable and abusive, and I had a younger brother, and I loved them both. But I felt that I had to choose, because if I was going to protect my brother, then I had to be prepared to attack or even kill my father if the situation ever called for it. I do believe that was the major starting point of my brain's bad BPD habit of "splitting" people, because I painted my father completely black. I made my choice and apparently my brain agreed. I started sleeping with a pilfered kitchen knife every night and carrying it with me secretly at all times. I was prepared to fight him to the death, even though I instinctively loved him, if that's what it took to protect my brother. Luckily I only ever had to fight him and it never came to homicide.

But honestly that was the most soul-destroying decision I've ever had to make. I had to consciously make it and be all-in with it, because I couldn't afford to hesitate in a crisis. I don't think my brain/mind is ever going to fully recover from that madness.