To all the people who may read this post,

Thank you for taking the time to do so. It seems as though there are a lot of posts on this website, and so if you are taking your time to read my post, let alone reply to it, you have shown me much more kindness than I have received in a long time in my relationship.

I am only beginning to accept that I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for the past three years, on and off. It's been hard for me to accept though, and I'm not even entirely there. Part of me feels downright ashamed to even say that he was abusive, because part of me still does not believe that it was abusive. And because he has told me before that I was the abusive and manipulative one, it only adds to my doubt and shame. It's not like he was mean all the time - he was there for me at some of my most difficult times in life (hospitalizations, two traumatic deaths of loved ones, healing from sexual trauma). We have also had some very fond memories together. Yet there is a darker side, kind of like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, a side where he has hurt me in ways I did not think it was possible. It's as though he knew *exactly* which buttons to push to make me feel like scum, like I was a dog being kicked over and over yet who always returned to their master. It would be too long of a list to recall all the things he has said or done, and frankly, I can't even remember them all - they've all just turned into a blur of memories manifested mostly as feelings of anger, shame, and sadness. Yet I always downplay these events whenever they happen, and I almost convince myself that they are normal, even though a voice inside my head insists they aren't.

Because of all the turmoil, and his horrible behavior, we have broken up a number of times - at least four times - but only one other time had any sense of finality. The previous times, I would always tell him I was done with him, that he had hurt me beyond repair, that I never wanted to speak with him again. Yet, the next day, or sometime that week, I would answer his phone calls, and accept his apologies. Very recently, however, he ended our relationship what seems to be permanently. Or at least, the message he sent me implies that he will again reach out to me at his convenience and after we (maybe more I) have moved on. Even after all the hurtful things he has said to me, I am still devastated by the end of our relationship. It was a slap in the face to be left by him; it makes me feel as though he has "won", so to speak, with his power-play. Because I did not even tell my friends that we had gotten back together earlier this year, I have not told anyone except my family of the most recent events that have unfolded, which have by far been the worst of the abuse. I feel as though I have nowhere to go, no one to turn to. This man consumed my life, such that when we were together, all I thought (and still think) about was that man, but not in a healthy way. In an almost obsessive way. And now that he is no longer in my life, I still obsessively think about him, and I tend to want to romanticize our relationship rather than accepting the reality of the situation.

I guess what I am asking is how YOU overcame this. How were you able to overcome feeling worthless, dehumanized, angered, all on top of being heartbroken (if that applies to you)? - I want to talk to him, to make him apologize for all the things he has done to me, to make him realize just how badly he has damaged my humanity. But I know deep down that is not the best course of action. How did you come to accept the reality of the person who actually existed in your life rather than the person you wish existed in your life? How were you able to find yourself again? I do not have any answers, but am instead struggling so greatly, and I am trying so hard to keep my mental illnesses at bay as well. I need any and all of the support you can offer me.