Hello!

I am a 20 year old female, and I am almost positive I suffer with OCD, particularly HOCD. I have always had obsessive thoughts and what I feel are compulsions to try to get rid of these thoughts. Oftentimes, these thoughts are not even rational.

I really started to notice these thoughts about a year ago. I had just gotten into a serious relationship for the first time ever. However, I felt I was always doubting how much I loved this guy. I would dwell on it for hours upon hours. I never felt peaceful in the relationship. The relationship did end, and I feel as though my obsessive thoughts ruined it. My anxiety got so bad that I would cry every single night, worry about dreams with other guys, and worry that he somehow knew exactly what I was thinking. I would often apologize in the relationship for not loving him enough.

This past year, after getting out of the relationship, I developed HOCD. This has been the worst obsession I have had by far. I have the fear of being a lesbian. I support the LGBTQ community. However, I have never identified myself as a lesbian or as bisexual. I forget when I started to worry about this, but I know it began about the beginning of this year. Part of me feels it is because I have very few males in my life right now. I have very close girl friendships, and that oftentimes worries me. No matter what I do, in the back of my mind I am constantly worried if I am attracted to a woman I walk by or if I would ever be interested in a woman romantically. I cannot see myself falling in love with a woman. Every time I think about being with one, I get disgusted. However, I'll have an intrusive thought or a sex dream with a woman and I plunge back into anxiety. It has gotten to the point where I need to cancel plans just because I want to avoid this feeling. I still have crushes on guys, but again, I still worry about "becoming gay." I had this fear when I was younger, and I realize now it was completely irrational. I wish I could do it again.

I have many other obsessions as well. For example, every time I hear a siren, I have to bless myself with a sign of the cross. If I don't, I worry that by not doing that the person could die that the ambulance is trying to save. I constantly worry about locking the car doors and apartment doors. I always have to say "I love you" to a loved one before they leave because I am often afraid that they will die if I don't. These are just a few of the obsessions and compulsions I have.

I NEED to overcome my HOCD and OCD. Does anyone have any advice or resources that can help me?

Thank you!