I feel like something is inherently wrong with me. I feel like my sexuality, my body, is broken. Or at the very least is just super dirty and covered with layers upon layers of sticky resin that have snowballed over the years and will never be completely gone.

I masturbate compulsively. Destructively. Mindlessly. It's not healthy, I'm an addict. It's not even enjoyable. It's not about love, respect, sensation, pleasure or the whole journey of arousal, build up and release. It's numbness, it's a purely physical act that I find myself doing 3-6 times a day. I only have abusive fantasies where all my body is is a receptacle for someone else's pleasure. Where all I'm good for is to be violated and degraded. That's the only thing I can orgasm to when I masturbate. I'm so desensitized to any real feeling. A romantic, respectful, loving fantasy is not arousing to me, no matter how much I try to make it be. The worst part is that every f***** up fantasy I have eventually loses it's shock/entertainment value and I have to move on to something even more abusive and degrading to get off.

Like I said, it doesn't even feel GOOD. Out of the whole 20 minute act, the first 18 minutes are about skimming through my brain to find something arousing, trying to work myself up to arousal, losing it/getting distracted, working myself up again and eventually around the 18 minute point I'm past the numbness and it starts to feel good but all that effort is really for those last 30 seconds when the dopamine and endorphin rush hits.

Sometimes I don't even get those 30 seconds. If there's a particularly shameful fantasy running through my head, then it hurts when I cum because it's not a total release. Everything tightens up and it takes about a minute for the pain to pass.

I feel like such a slave to this. Everyday I tell myself "I'm going to quit today" but then my hands are in my pants and I don't even realize it. Or I get bored, or it's nighttime and I do it to help get me to sleep.

I have not gone longer than three days without masturbating in the last four years. I don't know any other way to exist. I don't know how to stop. I really want to embrace celibacy as a way to reclaim my sexuality but I don't know how to do that.

I also am super broke and have no insurance so therapy is out of the question at this time.

I've repressed a lot of sexual trauma because in the past I had to make healing emotional abuse priority to function but now a lot of that trauma had been expressing itself. It's scary and I feel lost. Any other survivors of sexual abuse feel addicted to masturbation? Or like you only get turned on by things that cause you discomfort or pain?