Hey..

I understand when people grow, their conversation skills grow too. I never noticed I have fallen much behind with it and I now spend my days mostly alienated and silent.

The way I see it (correct me if I'm wrong) kids talk their immediate subconscious (needs, opinions) while adults use words to represent something else ''it was sunny all day'' (we were getting high all day)

I am trying hard to re-learn all the double meanings. It would help if there is a list or something of these phrases/words.

This isn't the biggest problem. When in groups or 1 on 1, 95% of what the conversations are about is people who heard gossip of me making me feel like **** because of it. Everything they say is true. I don't defend myself, I don't know what to say. This spirals and soon the entire room is laughing at me and encoded-ly saying all these things about me while I'm actually aware of it, but don't show it, making me look stupid and then surely nobody wants to talk to me.

Sometimes it happens that I run into a person who knows none of this gossip, a fresh start. The conversation halts quickly. I have no idea what to talk about, unless it's trivial childish stuff nobody cares about. I haven't been talked to as a kid and never learned to socialize properly.

How do I .. ? Is there literature online or anything that could help me?

Thanks