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Originally Posted by Wonderfulness
I just read up about Factitious Disorders and I'm confused.
A test I did (with a professional) when I was younger stated that I was highly anxious. I do feel like people are judging me sometimes, I'm usually scared/worried about something, and there are many opportunities that I missed because fear. It's hard for me to talk to people — this doesn't make sense to me, but it's how it's always been.
Physically (sometimes): hyperventilation, this buzzing feeling in my chest, and on occasion, a sense of detachment from my body, like I'm only an observer inside my body— my body is just a shell around me and I can't really feel anything.
There are also times when I get compulsive and repeatedly check to see if something's been done properly (though it's not major).
I like having answers, and not having a solid 100% accurate one make me nervous sometimes. E.g, I've always been good in math (not trying to boast here) but when asked to explain, I get nervous because — what if I get it wrong this time? I pass by cops and get all twitchy too, even though I've never done anything illegal in my life. Sometimes I even doubt my own sexual orientation.
I do feel fat sometimes even though I'm underweight, and a situation with a friend caused me to lose my appetite — situational depression, the counselor said.
But sometimes it feel like I'm exaggerating and acting. Like, I'm sad about stuff, but not as sad as I claim. Sometimes my actions is so people might take notice and ask what's wrong. I don't exactly want pity, but sometimes I just want to know people care, because it feels like people hate me sometimes. I talk to people a lot about me too, and what I'm feeling. I've been to counselors and at some point, I wonder just how bad I'm trying to make it sound, because sometimes, I take a step back, and it doesn't even feel THAT bad, why am I even going to see someone about it? Lots of people have been through worst, and not a lot are very keen to talk about it. How do I know what I feel is real?
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I can relate to much of what you said, especially that last paragraph. Honestly, I think it's because I was really neglected and isolated as a child. I was also often contradicted and had my feelings/perspective challenged and invalidated all the time. Growing up in an indifferent, hostile environment kind of predisposes kids to say they're suffering/struggling worse than they are, just so
someone will care and treat them like a real, worthy human being. If gushing blood is the only way to get anybody to pay attention to them, they'll come up with gushing blood so they can feel someone cares, even for the short time they have someone around to listen and treat them nicely for once. And since they seldom actually get
enough in those short little periods, there's always more blood. Unfortunately, these habits don't easily vanish when one becomes an adult. We tend to remain in situations/relationships where people only care if we're dying. What we really need to do is find different people, not a new wound every day. But that's easier said than done.