I'm considering meds. I'm seeing a therapist every two weeks which is all I can afford. I pretty much always score in the "severe depression" category when I take the test on this site, but just got my worst score ever...deep, deep into the severe depression category. I feel like I need a therapist to work with every single day of the week, but that's obviously not going to happen.

So, I'm considering trying meds again. I tried a few in the past, and didn't like any of them, but probably didn't give them a fair shot. I've been taking SAM-e for the last year and it has actually stabilized my mood noticeably, but I'm still deep in depression (and anxiety and probably ocd and who knows what else). Feeling like it's time to give meds another try as I just want to feel like a human again (I honestly don't remember the last time I was in a good mood for any length of time...probably 10 years ago, but I think I had problems nobody even noticed from a very, very young age. I think I was a bit messed about when I was 6 years old or so, and it just got progressively worse from there. I didn't admit to it until my late 20's, but I'm not sure if I've ever had a non-depressed, happy life. All the seeds were definitely planted as far back into childhood as I can recall.

Anyway, when I tried meds before, it was through a psychiatrist when I didn't have a primary care doctor. Now I have a primary care doctor, but he doesn't know about the therapist. I've never told any doctor about my depression or anxiety. I really want to keep it off of my medical records, but I can't afford a psychiatrist, and need to go through my regular doctor to ask about meds. But, I really don't want "depression" on my records following me around forever. I'm a bit paranoid about it. But, also, I had to move back in with my parents recently, and one specialist I see is very close with my mom and dad. This specialist often requests records from my primary care doctor. I'm afraid of getting depression listed in my file and then having it sent to this specialist who knows my family.

I know doctors aren't supposed to talk about other patients, but he has known my family for many, many years. The nurse asks my parents how I'm doing and things like that. I've kept my depression hidden from my family for my whole life and don't want them knowing about it. I'm worried about it accidentally slipping out sometime when they are talking to this specialist or the specialist's nurse. I really, really do not want that to happen.

So, I guess I'm just wondering. Is there any way to tell your primary care doctor about your depression but also tell them to please not put it in your file? I just want to get some pills, take them, and not have it be anybody's business but my own. But, between a nosey mom who treats me like an 8 year old because I had to move back in with them as an adult, and a specialist who is friends of the family and a nurse and mom who talk about me to one another, I'm not sure of any way to make sure it stays a secret other than to keep lying to my doctors and wait until I can afford a psychiatrist again.

Any thoughts? And, yes, I'm sure it's unhealthy to want to hide this from my family, but that's at the bottom of my list of concerns right now.