I think I've always been depressed. It's become worse during the past 10 years, but I feel like I've been screwed up since I was a little kid. I've tried reading books, listening to audiotapes, speaking to therapists, taking meds, exercising, losing weight, eating better, taking vitamins, doing everything I read about that you're "supposed" to do.

But, I feel like I'm just a depressed person who screws everything up and is worthless and lazy and always has been and always will be. I can fight it for a few weeks here and there, but it never sticks. I'm 32, almost 33 and have been living with my parents for close to three years now. Partly due to a situation that is beyond my control, but party because I don't even really care.

I mean, yes, I have dreams and goals and all of them are attainable and within my reach...or would be if I could simply wake up every day and just live life like a normal person. But, instead, all I do every day is eat a few meals, go for a walk, take a shower, masturbate, then go to bed. That's every day. Occasionally, I might get something done, but I just described 90% of my days.

I want to change...I want a better life...I want to do all the things I know I could do if I wasn't a broken person. But, it doesn't seem like I can fix this. So, I just wonder, "maybe I'm not meant to do any of those things that I say I want...maybe all I'm destined to do with my life is work a cash register at CVS or Target or something" even though I have a college degree, and everybody tells me how great I supposedly am.

I just kind of feel like, "f**k it...maybe this *is* me." Maybe I'm not even broken...maybe this is my personality. Maybe I was born to drive people away and sabotage myself and ruin every opportunity I'm presented with. Maybe every attempt to be successful and motivated and driven and optimistic is just a like...just me trying to be something I'm not.

I don't know why I even fight it anymore. Maybe I should just be myself and give up.