DAY 05

I didn't experience any hallucinations that I am aware of today. Feeling mostly blunted, which I still find to be a relief. Still have intense suicidal ideation. I can't even tell if I'm not eating because I have no appetite due to depression, not eating because I have no appetite as an initial side effect of the medication, or not eating because I keep fantasizing about starving to death. However other than that, I have no physical side effects still. The drymouth never returned after that first night, so far.

And oddly enough, my brain seems to be even more creative than usual, though very 'quiet' emotionally. I'm still getting intrusive thoughts, but they don't feel "intrusive" in a sense because they're not disturbing like the homicidal ideation or anxiety-inducing intrusive thoughts. Outside of the suicidal ideation, I just keep getting a lot of very beautiful imagery, scenes, etc, and my brain also keeps playing music, to the point that it's like I can almost literally hear it in my head without having to try.

I also still feel a bit lethargic, though. I find it comfortable to just sit around with these beautiful images and songs, than to actually try to make any art with it. This keeps getting flip-flopped with fantasies of starving to death.