Sorry for the long post, but I don't know what to do. I feel like Humpty Dumpty, broken, and no matter how hard people try they can't put me back together. I have been dealing with depression my whole life. I honestly can not remember the last time I was truly happy. My wedding day? Nope I was so worried about what might, & what did go wrong to enjoy that day.
The first time I had a suicidal thought I was 12. Seriously 12 years old! How many freaking 12 year old think about killing themselves. That was nearly 2 1/2 decades ago. My whole life I have been more or less taught to not show my emotions. (Why are you crying? I can give you something to cry about if you don't dry it up.) I have bottled everything up for so long it has started "leaking" out.

Back in February I basically had a nervous breakdown and was hours away from killing myself. On a scale of 1-10 I was a solid 9. I had a very elaborate plan worked out where my wife would not be the one to find me. I don't remember it but I ended up calling my wife at work and telling her that I needed to goto the Mental hospital.

Through the whole process while I was there I was very cooperative, except I made it crystal clear that I did not want my wife to know how close I was to killing myself and what my plan was. All she needed to know is that I had seriously considered it, which she did know. So they release me to their partial hospitalization program and I am making long term plans and taking my meds as I should be. Then on Friday the 13th a nurse from this out patient facility takes it upon herself to call my wife without my knowledge or permission and tell her how I planned on killing myself. I have never been that pissed off at someone before.

I threw away my medicine and said I would never trust another doctor again. (I really hate lieing to myself.) Fast forward a few months and I decide to give a therapist a try because I knew I really needed help. Turns out she was a hypnotherapist, which I did not know before hand. At this point I was willing to try anything. After a few sessions I realized that it wasn't working for numerous reasons, so I quit going.

Now just a few weeks back I almost killed myself again. I was holding the method of choice (I am trying to be as vague as possible) in my hand. I decided to put it down and just goto bed instead. That eventually lead me to decide about a week and a half later that if I could just talk with other people who suffer with depression and suicidal ideation it would help me greatly. I ended up calling another local mental hospital and talked with them and pretty much told them over the phone how I felt. I told them I was just wanting information about their out patient program. They suggested I come after work for a free evaluation. To make a longer story a little shorter they ended up holding me against my will for what they called a 72 hour evaluation. Which they didn't count weekends. They have now ruined any chance of me ever trusting a doctor again.

Now I know I need help but I just don't know what to do. I am so tired of fighting. I have been fighting with suicidal thoughts for 23 years now & with depression for as long as I can remember. I am 35 now and I am just so tired of fighting. On one hand I don't want to kill myself because I know how much that will upset my wife. Yet on the other hand I just don't know how much longer I can hold on.