I am so pissed off right now that I feel like smashing a hole in the wall. For so long I've felt so bad about myself. Everyone thinks I've got it great. That I'm a polite, well-rounded boy that has the world at his feet, and I do lead a very good life, but they don't see how I'm just barely managing on the inside. Screw the ocd, and all the damn thoughts that I think and all the feelings I feel. They make me so mad and the more I think about it the more they feel connected to what happened.
After I was assualted I automatically went into shock, forcing myself not to deal with it and pretending it didn't happen to me, but to someone else. Then came the overwhelming guilt that maybe I had caused it and that I should have done more to stop it. And then after that I thought that I had finally dealt with it. At that time by dealing with it I mean I didn't think about it, but by that stage school was on and I had other distractions. Now after feeling like I'm becoming an offender myself (which I don't want to be) I am so so SO ANGRY at the absolute BASTARD who did this. I would value the life of some feral animal over him. Everything keeps getting replayed in my mind and despite me thinking it is just a memory, it still hurts. What I would give to meet up with him again. I've taken Muay Thai Kickboxing lessons since the attack and I'm now a very proficient brown belt. It makes me feel sort of guilty but I would truly love to belt the god damn [censored] out of him. I hate him. If he's what has caused all of this then I wish something really terrible would happen to him. I know that sounds horrible and a part of me thinks I shouldn't be thinking like that but I can't believe he could care so little about what he was doing. I haven't ever said anything along these lines. Like I said, to me my way of dealing with it wasn't to deal with it. And I've never felt angry about it until now, usually I was ashamed, but I want something awful to happen to him to see what it's like. I feel so stupid for saying all of this. Screw him, I know if none of it had happened then my life would be infinitely better today. If only eh.