I was thinking today about the past abuse. I was thinking that how I used to be such an outgoing person how that was shattered at age 10. I listen to myself today at work and I sounded terrible English all screwed up, words disorganized, lips stuck together like glue looks like I am learning how to speak for the first time, stuttering, sounding so unsure of myself. Mind you, English is my first and only language in America the only home I know!

I still have all of this fear and still living in an abusive household. I hate being introverted only like this because of the abuse and became someone who didn't trust many people. I am afraid at work (current job) or any job where it could mean taking on different projects, working with clients, etc for fear of my speaking abilities. I was NEVER an introverted person I was always the social butterfly could do anything but right now I am like a little kid needing to hold onto someone. I always loved to work with people on different things I was sheltered all of my life and ended up doing stuff on my own which I failed at because I didn't have other minds helping me.

I have been going to places and meeting people I still can't seem to bring myself to go around the table without my boyfriend being present. I still cling to him when I see him at an event since I feel "he is safe," as the other people are not harmful he has always been safe with me. I have been working hard on communication skills for several years and still don't feel like I am there yet in being a great communicator and conversationalist. My mind just wonders or disassociates something like that not sure of what to do. I see a therapist for sexual abuse issues not for this issue she knows I have anxiety and such a worry wort all the time. I have no interest in accepting introvert when that is/never me!

I know my new therapist said I have disassociated and shut down that I am numb which is true. She has been very helpful I have been seeing her I think maybe March this year. This is still bothering me tremendously I feel like a child still clinging onto something or someone to make this crap go away. I have been visualizing myself of being that social butterfly that I once was and saw myself so happy, enjoying life and people. I don't know I hate how this abuse made me and had me to put on a mask for the public....

not sure what to ask just hurting and venting.