Having trouble going to sleep right now..and I need to get up early in only a few short hours... Right now I'm just thinking of how I feel like I've only been existing and not really "living". I'm not sure if I've ever at all been "living" and taking advantage of life.

I haven't been triggered or had a severe episode lately but I don't and haven't had a desire to live or appreciate my life like a normal person does either. I'm just pushing forward through these days with no real sense of purpose or value...I'm trying to give myself a chance with an actual last ditch effort to improve my wellbeing before I ever may decide to attempt again to send myself into the abyss...I don't know...I guess you could say I just feel like a empty shell as of late...each day is surviving instead of "living". Not sure how to really fully articulate or describe my thoughts right now...I don't know. I guess it's because it's 5am...time to try get a little bit of sleep before I have to wake up...

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