Catholicnun, I'm very sorry for what you're going through. I think everything you said is valid, including his race, gender, and other details. It's relevant to understanding where anybody's coming from, and hardly statistically irrelevant when it comes to stalking, sociopathy, abuse, etc. A lot of people have been driven to suicidal thoughts by hopeless situations, and that can certainly include abuse. Please seek some real-life help for this if you begin to fear it's an imminent danger. You've had your heart put in a blender, as the song lyric goes. It's natural to feel horrible. The point is to do something to heal and get out of this rut. Is it possible to see a counselor? If you're Catholic, can you see a priest or pastoral counselor? I'm Catholic, too, and this sort of counseling is usually available and can often be a big help after an ordeal like the one you describe.

I hope this isn't off-topic, but I'm curious about your username, too. I assume you aren't really a religious sister. Were you thinking about becoming one? Or am I missing some sort of sarcasm in your choice? :-)