Mixed up feelings-

I'm all mixed up. I think I understand what's going on with me but it still feels weird.

I guess I'm kinda wanting to find out if typing out my feelings will help me sort my issues.

CurrentT is going on two week vacation...which I think is stirring up weird feelings in me. I'm like many of you...I want her to go have her break...but I don't want her to gooooo....

Plus, we have been talking about touch in therapy..more along the lines of hugging goodbye on occasion. Last week she did hug me goodbye for the first time. It went ok. My feeling right this instant is the hug did not make me feel closer to CurrentT....her hug reminded me instead, that, no, she's not my mom...not that my mom was much of a hugger, really. I like T very much. I believe she has my best interest at heart. I feel attached. But the hug did not bring me the comfort I hoped for.

And I still can't say that I absolutely adore CurrentT....which I guess is fine.

Ok, then there are the feelings I have for PrevT. I adore her. I know what caused it, too....I went through a very bad trauma when I lived in California....and PrevT and I found each other somehow. She rescued me and kept me safe. The trauma was like being in a big "car crash." PrevT was right there with me when I was going through that "car crash." She rescued me and helped me understand what was going on. She knows everything there is to know about the "car crash." So, yes, I became attached. I saw her for several years...then she changed jobs and had to refer me to someone else. I was shattered. But then I had to move out of state.

Fifteen years went by. I am still in contact with PrevT.

This is my situation now....the more I explore attachment with CurrentT, the more PrevT fades into the the background...and I feel less attached to her. I still adore her and all, but the feelings are less intense. Then, I think, did I really feel love for her? (yes) But if those feelings can become less intense....what does that mean about my feelings for CurrentT?

It's as if the curtain has been pulled back from the Great Powerful Oz. I think I have been looking to adore CurrentT, too.

But I don't.

I told you I was mixed up.

Has anyone felt like this? What is happening?
I wish CurrentT was not going on break just now.