So I saw T today after 2 weeks. It was difficult to come back, to say the least.

To begin with there was a misunderstanding as to whether I had an appt. today or tomorow. It had been switched back and forth a few times and I KNOW that he said on the phone saturday that he thought the appointment was on Monday. He says he said Tuesday, but I am right.

Anyway, this morning he calls me while I am in my car and tells me I don't have an appt. today, and I am in the midst of freaking out because I can't find my backpack and I start ranting about losing my %#@&#! backpack and say, YOU MEAN I CAN'T COME TODAY? He backs off and squeezes me in this afternoon. (PS losing my bag is a big deal 'cause it has loads of textbooks for my Masters practicum I am working on).

Then I am driving to his office this afternoon (21/2 hours back from school....) and my cell rings and it's him calling someone else. "Hello, Brother?" It's T," he says." I say, "T, it's sister." He says "Sorry, wrong number and hangs up."

When I got to his office it was really hard to settle in after being away. I looked at him and said that I was not the only one having a hard time coming back, that his head was still on vacation. (ouch) I bickered with him over the mixed up appointment. We went talked about an issue with my brother (who is a real shithead) and T looked at me and said, "What have we not covered here today?" I said, "I missed you."

He made his sad T face. I told him about the letters and poetry I wrote while he was away but didn't show them to him. I told him how the first letter I wrote was all about how I would miss him, but I knew he needed the time off, and by the time I wrote the last one it was like, %#@&#! you. I told him that it was not funny, that if he had not returned I would not have been surprised. (I had been po'd about his chuckling during a phone call.)

He started blabbing about object constancy and how it must have hurt when he was away and it was important for me to allow myself to feel the pain and that abandonment was abandonment and I just looked at him and said I didn't want to hear it. He asked what I wanted to hear and I said, "nothing, I just want you to shut up."

I told him I didn't want to feel the hurt, that it hurt too much.

Remind me again why I am doing this?

P.S. I found my backpack....and left a message on his phone to let him know I said, "that's how I deal with separation, I lose my things and myself."



"The more I see, the less I know, the more I'd like to let it go." Red Hot Chili Peppers